Crying in My Prom Dress
People can be flaky. And that flakiness rarely, if ever, has anything to do with you.
Looking through my backlog of emails, I have noticed that a good 30-40% of questions come from young people (in high school), and I haven’t answered many of them. With prom season approaching, I thought this would be a good place to start. I plan on answering groups of questions from younger people in Ask Erin & Friends.
On to the question…
Q.
Hello Erin,
This story needs some context. About six months ago, I met a guy who's from out of state. We've been flying back and forth to see each other and have been pretty serious since we met.
I went through the long process of getting him approved to go to my prom, and my friends knew I was planning to bring him. They were all really excited, with a couple also bringing their significant others to our prom getting-ready party. We even talked about doing it at my house and how it would be huge and fun as this is my senior prom. I've been friends with these girls since sophomore year, and we even got ready together for our last dances together.
Today, I got a long text: "Hey, so it's been discussed that we already have a lot of people for prom and plans with the guys after getting ready, and we've decided on (another girl's house) for more space and to better manage our time. We can still do pictures at (your location) with (your photographer) if you want, and I'll ask if that's possible. We're all sorry cuz we didn't want to bail."
This isn't the first time I haven't been invited to plans, and it's been happening a lot lately.
But what bugs me the most about this is the fact that I made the plans, and then they took small pieces and chose to leave me out. I'm also slightly confused as we were acting as normal and have been, in my opinion, doing really well as a friend group lately, but then, out of the blue, I get this text. I'm really excited for my boyfriend to be there, as well as my sister, but I also wanted to be surrounded by my best friends and feel seriously left out.
I'm wondering if this is worth mentioning or if I should just accept that, at most, they want to take pictures with me and don't want me involved in the rest of their plans. If I choose the second option, I wonder if it might be time to wind down the friendship(s).
Thank you for your advice,
Crying in My Prom Dress
A.
Dear Crying in My Prom Dress,
Before I dive into your question, I wonder how far Long Distance BF lives, and I marvel at your ability to fly back and forth to see each other in high school! It’s irrelevant, but it sure piqued my curiosity.
One of the more annoying life lessons is that people can be flaky. And that flakiness rarely, if ever, has anything to do with you.
Young people tend to be even flakier. This can be incredibly annoying for those who are more mature, which it sounds like you are.
From what you wrote, it sounds like the couple of friends who said they’d like to come to your pre-prom-get-together double booked themselves. I’d bet they had already been talking with the other group of friends, liked your ideas, tried to combine them, and then it was easier just to stick with the other larger group of friends.
When I was younger (and well into adulthood), I often double-booked or said yes to things I later flaked on because of my ADHD brain, because I was a people-pleaser, or because, like a magpie, my attention went to the next shiny thing.
Does this make it okay? No. But I don’t get the feeling this is personal. It is annoying that they borrowed your ideas for this alternate pre-prom party. And the courteous thing to do would be to invite you to the larger gathering. Or maybe they never intended to come but said yes because they didn’t know how to say they already had plans in the works or didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
I have seen people of all ages agree to things because they didn’t want others to be mad at them. Do you know what happens to people like that? They end up saying yes to things they resent doing. They stay too long dating the wrong person, with one foot out the door, because they don’t want the other person to get mad, sad, etc. It is very, very immature and wastes everyone’s time.
The good thing about this situation is that it is giving you some clarity on these friendships. It sounds like you’d like your friends to communicate clearly, follow through on what they say, and be consistent, which is totally reasonable!
In my relationships—friendships, romantic, professional—I evaluate what my boundaries are and how much energy I want to put into them.
Some people I’ve been close with behaved or spoke in ways that weren’t cool with me. I didn’t need to have some big dramatic exit. I just stopped putting my energy into these people and relationships. It’s my way of making peace with the situation.
If you want to remain close to these friends, you should mention it. You’ll find it impossible to feel close if unspoken resentments are brewing. It seems like it would be scary, but I’ve found that just saying, “Hey, when you did X, that hurt my feelings,” the air is cleared, and I no longer have to carry that feeling around. And if it is clear that they aren’t ride-or-dies (sounds like they are not), let it go and enjoy their company when you feel like it. If I were you, I’d have your own smaller gathering with your BF and sister, take pics with the other friends at their location if you want, and have FUN.
I promise this won’t feel so big once you’re having fun at prom, and certainly not in the months and years to follow. And what’s even better is (I am assuming you are a senior) that you are about to embark on life outside of high school. You’ll have the opportunity to meet a wider variety of people and find the ones who don’t flake, who invest in you as a friend. I hope you have a BLAST with the people who value you!
❌⭕️❌⭕️
Erin
What I’m watching, reading, listening to….
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
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You are the best. ♥️ADHD for the win.