How Do I Help My Not-So-Frugal Partner?
"I asked him where all his money goes, and he explained it's on 'takeout food' and the kratom, but that's hard to believe."
Q.
Hi Erin,
I'm hoping for some relationship advice about my boyfriend, who I currently live with. I'm 25, he's 24, and we've been dating for 18 months and moved in together eight months ago.
The thing is, my boyfriend struggles with depression and addiction to substances.
I am a teetotaler, and my mostly straight-edge lifestyle has directly inspired him to give up booze. I know he never drinks, too, since I can smell it a mile away (this connects to having an alcoholic parent). I am a good influence, I believe, since I know before dating me, he was heavily drinking, according to my friends who knew him before I even met him.
But for about a year now, he found a new vice in kratom.
He buys Feel Free's, little blue bottles of kratom, at our local liquor store. These little bottles seriously pile up, and at some point, I'd find maybe 25 of them under our kitchen sink in a two-week period. Sometimes, he'd take so much that he'd vomit a ton, which is a side effect. They are draining him financially, apparently, even though they are only $8 a bottle.
My boyfriend is always broke, and he confessed today that he has only $40 in his account. He works full-time, and each paycheck is $1500, so he makes $ 3,000 a month. Our rent is pretty expensive, being $900 each per month. He was previously paid two weeks ago, so he should still have money, but he blew it all in two weeks, and apparently on these kratoms? It doesn't make sense, but maybe he's buying more of these than I am aware of. This happened last month, too, when he told me that one day, he was down to $40 two weeks after being paid.
I asked him where all his money goes, and he explained it's on "takeout food" and the kratom, but that's hard to believe.
I make less than him, $1000 per paycheck every two weeks. But I never get down to having only $40 in my account; the lowest I'll get is $700, and I also buy little things I don't truly need all the time, like makeup, skincare, music equipment, etc. I also buy food out here and there. I'm just stressed because rent is due today, and these past few month's bill cycles, I've been paying for all the bills. My bf was quite frugal and even "cheap" when we first started going out. He mentioned saving up to $5000 in his account before we moved in together.
I love my boyfriend; he's sweet, affectionate, funny, and does most of the house cleaning. He loves me deeply, and we spend every minute together when we are not working. But living together has made things suddenly financially anxious, and I want to know how to help him before things get worse and his spending habits remain unchanging. He knew when agreeing to move into our $ 1800-a-month apartment that it would be expensive. We equally agreed to it, and he wanted this apt more than I did since I wanted to find something cheaper. It's in a really cool location, downtown in our tiny NorCal town, where I can walk to work, and he only drives five minutes to work, so gas is a minimal expense.
But how can I get him to be more open with me about finances and find a way for him to be more financially prudent despite his love for kratom?
By the way, finding therapy is not an option for him since we've discussed this 1000 times, and it's clear he doesn't want it.
A.
One of the most challenging aspects of partnering and cohabitating with someone is that, even for the most non-codependent among us, we are affected by our significant other’s decisions. It is nearly impossible to avoid that. When a partner celebrates a promotion or windfall, we receive joy by proxy. And, in turn, when they are going through challenges, we will feel that, too. Unless you are a sociopath, you will absorb some of whatever is happening in your partner’s world. Of course, how you communicate, what boundaries you set, and how you move through these problems are in your control.
Your question contains two separate, albeit intersecting, issues: financial behavior and addiction.
I will get to your concern about his spending habits, but reading this, I am far more concerned with what I believe is more critical—his struggles with addiction and mental health. It’s worth noting that the subject line of your email was “How Do I Help My Not-So-Frugal Partner?” yet you dive into his mental health and addiction problems first. Why? I think you know that the money stuff is related and a byproduct of the more serious problem here.
For those unaware, kratom is a legal herbal substance made from the leaves of kratom trees found in Southeast Asia. It can be purchased online, at gas stations, convenience stores, etc. Many kratom users ingest it in the hopes of alleviating physical pain or depression or to treat opioid dependence. In 2021, an estimated 1.7 million Americans used kratom at least once. For some, kratom acts like a stimulant, and for others, it produces an opioid-like effect. We do not have evidence of kratom’s effectiveness at treating pain, mental health issues, or opioid dependence, but it is potentially addictive and carries possible risks, such as seizures and liver damage.
For me, addiction is defined by behavior, not physical dependence. Red flags are rising for you around your boyfriend’s kratom use and financial behavior. In your shoes, I would be concerned, too.
I know you mentioned that he is unwilling to try therapy. And I get it. When I was in active addiction, I carried far more shame about my mental health than I did about being a “junkie.” I was open to therapy, but I resisted taking medication and felt terrified at the prospect of needing anything (never mind the fact I’d been struggling with addiction since I was 13 🤦🏻♀️).
I would not be here today, typing to you from my laptop, with 21 years of sustained recovery, without therapy and psychiatric medication.
I have not one shred of shame about needing Wellbutrin—it helped save my life. Obviously, I don’t know what your boyfriend needs in terms of his mental health, but it is clear he needs some help. And it is not your job to force him to do anything (which would not work anyway). But you can have that conversation. What I always say is that if heroin worked for me, I would have had no reason to stop. But it was not working. My heroin use destroyed relationships, drained me financially, and pushed me to lie, steal, and ultimately make my mental health issues much worse. It seems to me that your boyfriend’s kratom use is draining him financially and causing damage to your relationship. And it also appears that it is not improving his mental health.
Begin a conversation with him about your concerns. Without blaming or criticizing, state the facts and what you have observed. If he is not open to therapy, addressing the addiction issue in a support group may be a path forward. There are many options now, from 12-step meetings (AA, NA, etc.) to SMART Recovery, Recovery Dharma, and numerous recovery communities that have sprung up (such as The Small Bow or Dopey). My point is that there are more options for free peer-based support than ever before. Of course, he will need the willingness to try them.
A quick note on finances in relationships.
So many of us (see: ME) carry (or have carried) financial shame—about having or not having money, our spending habits, or our avoidance.
In long-term relationships, transparent discussions about money are necessary, particularly when sharing financial responsibilities. But I don’t see you being able to get very far on this topic with him until he addresses his addiction and mental health issues.
Where does this leave you? You deserve some support here, too. Your boyfriend may not be open to therapy, but it would benefit you greatly to talk through these issues with a therapist. It will provide some tools for handling feelings and setting boundaries within the relationship. But beyond that, therapy can give you clarity. On what you want. On what you need. That clarity will help you make decisions within and regarding your relationship. 10/10, I recommend. (An alternative to therapy would be a support group like Al-Anon or CoDA.)
I hope this helps. The financial concerns are totally valid, but from what I see, they are a symptom of a bigger problem—his mental health and struggle with addiction.
XOXO Erin
What I’m watching, reading, listening to….
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack 👆, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 💛
I had no idea about kratom !