I am super excited to bring you the first of many installments of Ask Erin & Friends, where I answer questions with a friend or two (because staring at 568 unanswered questions in the Ask Erin inbox gets lonely).
Joining me today is my friend Jenn Morson, a writer and investigative journalist whose reporting has focused on the clergy abuse crisis, specifically on issues present at her alma mater, Franciscan University. She also writes about other topics that move her to speak up and is working on a memoir, Believer: A Memoir of Family, Faith, and Fanaticism. Her Substack, Believer, is always an eye-opening read!
Q.
Dear Erin,
My husband and I recently experienced a first-trimester miscarriage.
I spent two weeks physically and emotionally healing from this loss and recovered well. We shared the news with my parents and in-laws as soon as we found out from the doctor. But after sharing the news, I had no communication from my in-laws for over two weeks, not even a text to see how I was doing. My parents could not talk about it, but they showed up for dinner twice and helped me by being present.
I didn't have such expectations from my in-laws who live a couple states away, but surely expecting a text from them asking how I was doing is not unreasonable. I pointed out to my mother-in-law that this hurt me. And she spent a long time defending herself before apologizing. Her intention was not to be intrusive.
I think actions matter more than intentions, and what transpired was inconsiderate.
What are your thoughts?
A.
Erin Khar: To start, Jenn, do you mind if I ask you if you've ever had a miscarriage?
Jenn Morson: Oh, yeah, I relate to this person because I had a first-trimester miscarriage pretty early. And at the time, I didn't tell my in-laws because it was so early, and we hadn't even told them we were expecting.
Generally speaking, people don't know how to talk about it.
Speaking directly to the person who wrote in, it’s possible your mother-in-law had a miscarriage herself and never dealt with it. Now, you've expressed to her that it hurt your feelings, but it sounds like maybe that's a miscommunication in your relationship in general. Also, she apologized, right? She said she consciously chose not to interfere; she didn't want to be intrusive because some people want privacy.
Erin: Right, and I think that's true with miscarriage or any grief. Because we all process grief so differently, it can be challenging. People may assume that you need the same things they would in that situation, or, as you said, maybe her mother-in-law may have her own unresolved issues with miscarriage.
I learned long ago that we can't expect people to know what we need because most of them cannot read minds.
Some folks don’t even know if asking you what you need is appropriate. When I don't know how to help somebody, my general rule of thumb is to say, “I'm not sure what you need. Please tell me, and if you don't know, that's okay.”
We sometimes feel reluctant to do that with people because we don't want to burden them or because we feel like we should already know the answer. There might even be a little embarrassment that we don't know how to handle a situation.
Jenn: Right, or maybe she expected her partner to have communicated that to his parents, and he didn't. Maybe the mother-in-law has said the wrong thing in the past. It was a good thing to express, “Hey, it hurt my feelings,” but she should also recognize that they're doing their best.
I understand what she means: that actions are more important than intentions. But that's not entirely true in every situation. This isn't a situation where, “I didn't intend to hurt you, but I drove recklessly.” That's different from saying, “I don't want to push and pry. I'm going to give them some space.”
Erin: Yes. Her mother-in-law did what she thought was the considerate thing.
I was thinking about another aspect. When one of my best friends was going through IVF, she had a couple of miscarriages. This was before I’d had a miscarriage. Of course, I checked in on her, but now, looking back, I am unsure if I checked in enough. Also, I did not fully appreciate what she was going through. Even for one’s partner, it's not the same type of loss. They might be devastated and sad and all of that, but they won't feel the same intensity as the person who's physically going through it.
As for what the person asking this question should do, she told her mother-in-law how she felt, and her mother-in-law explained why she didn't reach out and apologized. I think now she has to let it go.
The last thing I'll say about it is that people don't fully understand what the loss is for the person who was pregnant. It's okay if she needs more time to grieve it. It's okay if she needs to speak to a therapist or grief counselor and process more of it with somebody who has objectivity.
Jenn: Absolutely, for her own sake.
She has a lot of grieving to go through, and adding this miscommunication to the grieving process isn’t going to help her in that process.
Erin: Totally. Now, I'm going to ask you, because I put this at the end of every Ask Erin, “What are you reading? What are you watching? What are you listening to?
Jenn: Oh! What I'm reading right now…. I just started Karie Fugett’s forthcoming memoir, Alive Day.
Erin:Very excited to read it!
Jenn: Yes! Okay, what I'm watching right now…. Gosh, usually episodes of Bluey!
Erin: The new season just dropped a couple of weeks ago, as I'm sure you're aware.
Jenn: HELLO, my kids were on it by noon the day they dropped. I've also been binge-watching Party of Five for the 400th time because, yeah, you know, I love a good binge-watch.
Erin: I love a 90s binge-watch. It takes me to a much simpler time—when many of the problems we have in 2024 did not exist.
Jenn: I think I'm fully trying to manifest a time machine to the 90s. Now that I'm saying that, I realize what's been on my Spotify is Lauren’s playlist (Lying on the bedroom floor staring at the ceiling), which is basically all late 90s and early aughts.
Also, I recently listened to a podcast called Dear Alana, because I'm writing an article about conversion therapy within Catholic spaces. It's a fantastic podcast. I've been slowly resigning myself to podcasts—very, very slowly. (I know I am terrible.)
Erin: Unrelated to conversion therapy in Catholic spaces.... I watched Jacqueline Novak’s stand-up special on Netflix, Get On Your Knees. It is genius and really intense. The structure is sort of centered around blow jobs. But it's really not about blow jobs. It’s so smart and I have not laughed that hard in I don't know how long.
Jenn, thank you so much for joining me in answering this question. Everyone, check out Jenn’s brilliant Substack, Believer.
If you’d like to join me for an Ask Erin & Friends, email me at askerin@erinkhar.com. I will periodically invite readers to hop on and answer emails with me.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack 👆, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 💛