My Boyfriend's Job Gets In The Way Of Our Relationship
If he's like this now, what would happen if we have kids or have to take care of a home?
Q.
Hi Erin!
I need some advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. He's a nurse and takes care of babies on ventilators in a small unit. I always think of him like a superhero, taking care of those who are at their worst and need very advanced care at such a young age.
However, I've been feeling like his job is getting in the way of our relationship.
He loves his job and wants to be the best in the unit. He's always volunteering for additional responsibilities at work, like lecturing, and is almost done getting his doctorate degree. He wants to be the main contact for all requests and pages and the one the doctors go to first. He works 8 am-4 pm M-F. He also works an additional two hours each day without getting paid due to the workload and is always messaging the work chat.
He doesn't have time to eat breakfast, lunch, or exercise. Some weeks, he barely even texts me due to being exhausted, playing video games with his friends instead. Then, he will go home to his parents on the weekends since he hates living in the city. We've talked about this, and he seems to be doing a better job talking with me more and spending time together.
He always talks about wanting to be the best, working so hard to get a large raise at the end of the year, and all the nice things he wants to buy. He says he loves his job even though it's stressful and busy. It seems like they're understaffed a lot. He's always completely exhausted after work and is too tired to cook or make after-work plans. Even planning things on the weekends is hard since he only really likes going out if we have set plans and we are paying for things to see.
I'm trying to save money since I make less and can't afford to go out all the time. I've been working two jobs, and he said he wanted me to take fewer hours to see him more. I'm working less, and I'm barely seeing him, and the funds from my second job are going towards going out. We've also talked about this, and he tried to see me more.
I'm not sure what to do. If he's like this now, what would happen if we have kids or have to take care of a home?
I'm worried about him getting burnt out and feeling like I am alone in our relationship.
Is this normal when dating people in healthcare?
A.
When my second son was born in 2017, he spent four weeks in the NICU, including a few days on a ventilator. I would not have survived those four weeks without the nurses. Because I spent 8-10 hours a day there for every one of those 28 days, I learned a lot about those remarkable humans. As it is for many who enter healthcare, most NICU (neonatal ICU) and PICU (pediatric ICU) nurses are there because they have a calling to be. It takes a particular type of personality to handle not only the demanding tasks at hand but also to deal with families in such a state of heightened emotion and tension.
While I have not worked in healthcare, I have many friends who have or do, and my stepfather and father-in-law are both doctors. It can be emotionally and physically exhausting work, especially on the heels of the pandemic, especially in a stressful unit like the NICU or PICU. Hospitals are largely understaffed. There is a nursing shortage, which was not helped by the exhaustion healthcare workers felt during the pandemic.
I cannot imagine the stress and potential burnout your boyfriend has to manage daily and continuously, and it’s clear that you recognize that, as well. Additionally, he is completing his doctorate and is motivated to direct his career in a specific direction—continually stepping up to the plate, earning the trust of the doctors, etc. It is understandable why he is so exhausted and may just want to play video games or chill with friends.
However, this work-life imbalance is not healthy or sustainable, and you are justified in wanting/needing a more present partner.
The first step is to have an honest conversation with him. Will he have more work-life balance once he completes his doctorate and/or receives the anticipated significant raise? For doctors, those years of residency after medical school are grueling. I know some RNs also do residencies, but regardless, the early years of working in medicine seem to be the most challenging. So perhaps things will ease up a bit. But you have to discuss this to know.
You mentioned that you've spoken with him about some of these concerns, and he has been making an effort, which is excellent! If you are planning a life together, I encourage you to continue discussing what you want. Do you want kids? If you live together, how do you each envision sharing household responsibilities? Do you need your partner to be more affectionate or attentive? Do you feel concerned for his physical or mental health carrying the workload he has been carrying?
You mentioned that you enjoy going out, and he doesn't. Would you be okay with having some of your social life separate from him? My husband is wayyyyyy less social than I am, and we are both totally okay with the other enjoying downtime separately some of the time. We both realize this wouldn’t work for everyone, but it works perfectly for us.
Don’t be afraid to talk about what you need; conversely, be open to hearing what he needs.
He may need that time playing video games with friends to unwind. That’s okay. You can find a middle ground that works for both of you. It is not unreasonable to be clear about what you need to be happy in a relationship. This goes for both of you.
To answer your specific question—Is this normal when dating people in healthcare?—I’d say it is not uncommon, particularly at this stage of his career. That said, working overtime he’s not getting paid for and stretching himself too thin is not tenable. With or without you, he’ll need to find some harmony between his role as a nurse and his role as a partner.
Share your concerns with him without blaming his profession. Speak from a place of what you need and want, and make it clear that you also care about what he needs and wants from this relationship. If you do that, I believe you'll find your way through and be able to recognize if this is working for you.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
This is such sensible advice. Also, I think the GF has no idea what it’s like to date someone as a healthcare job.