back at it
I think most parents will agree that the end of summer is particularly brutal during the no-more-camp-but-not-yet-school days. I have been parenting for 21 years (😱), and every year when school is back, I experience a giddy excitement for a return to schedules, structure, and some semblance of productivity. My dopamine receptors ablaze, I look forward to early crisp mornings, newly sharpened pencils (mine), and, more than anything else, TIME.
I also have the urge to watch this film….
Needless to say, I am not sad about the end of summer. So let’s jump back into Ask Erin with some three-sentence answers!
I don’t know how to get back in the dating pool.
Q.
For context, I was in an eight-year-long relationship with a man who made me unhappy and made me question why I continued to make excuses for being with him. Now that it’s been two years since I left him, I’m inching my way back into the dating pool, but I don’t know where to start or how to make the first move.
I know that my past relationship has made me slightly wary and jaded, but I do want to find someone who can make me happy and feel special. Being 26, I want to get back out there and meet someone, but at the same time, I worry if I’ll be with someone like my ex.
A.
You are only 26; it’s only been two years; you began this relationship at 16. Your best shot at NOT dating someone like your ex is allowing yourself the time and space to heal and change patterns, and I know I am a broken record, but….. therapy could help you get there a lot faster. Start by figuring out how you can make yourself feel happy and special because as much as you want someone else to do that for you, finding happiness within yourself and the life you build will attract worthy partners.
I don’t think I have what it takes to have a job.
Q.
Hello, I am a mechanical engineer in training (meaning that I have to work for a couple years before I can officially be considered a professional), and I feel like I’m going to lose my job. Over my life, I haven’t had a big passion for doing things and just do whatever other people tell me. I got my current job last September, which was no easy feat because I had virtually no experience in the industry, and it was only a stroke of luck that I got this job.
I’ve been there for over a year, but over the past several months, my boss has mentioned that I do not have that fire or passion. Instead of asking my coworkers for work or more questions about the field, I usually just stay at my desk, quietly writing up the reports or doing whatever we need to do. Right now is especially concerning because we are in a slow period, and that does not help with my low utilization hours. My boss mentioned that his higher-ups are grilling him about my performance, and if I don’t smarten up soon, I will lose my job in a few weeks. But I can’t help my personality and not asking questions or otherwise not being passionate.
I've had that problem for much of my life, and I don’t know how to change it. What should I do?
A.
I understand that it is often about a paycheck, but engineering is a very specific path, and it seems that you aren’t that interested in it, so why waste your time being miserable? Sometimes, we only discover our passions by opening ourselves up to trying different things, and you can do that while you continue to pay the bills with a less desirable job. Start by making a list of ten things you have even the vaguest interest in and trying them out (taking a low-stakes class IRL or online—like MasterClass—allows you to dip your toes in many pools!) because I learned in my years of floundering that remaining curious led me to a career that I didn’t know was possible.
Regrets from my youth…
Q.
Dear Erin,
Recently, I turned 25, which ushered in a slight quarter-life crisis. I decided to be proactive and create a list of everything I want to do in the next five years, so I don't miss out on a great life. However, this point of reflection has made me realize that the window has closed on some experiences that I did not consider valuable between 18-23 out of shyness and being overly serious for my age—like rushing to a sorority, partying, trying out for cheerleading or participating in school plays.
I am trying to fit this into my next five years, but some of these experiences, like joining a sorority, are impossible to do now that I am out of college. I feel a bit unsure how to reconcile with the fact that my college experience was not triumphant and exciting but rather isolated, depressing, and painfully slow at moments.
Is there any way to get over these feelings and/or prevent this from occurring again in the future?
A.
Through therapy and practice, I have learned that the faster I drop into acceptance AND delineate what is within my control and what is not, the happier I am. It is impossible to move through life and make all the right choices or have perfect experiences that live up precisely to what we imagined, so instead of spending emotional and mental energy wishing something had been different, recognize where you are and who you are, TODAY. You are young, you have the opportunity to change how you engage with yourself and your past, and I promise that it is wholly possible to look back at your "failures"—big and small—and see the gifts that came as a result.
What I’m watching, reading, listening to….
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.
For #2, sorry, but I think the boss is the problem; an employee who's reliable if not proactive is pure gold, and for the boss not to value that is a real shame, but not the employee's problem. Similarly, what boss will say about employee to boss's bosses is not even close to the employee's problem. Same job, different company, I say, and look around at other possibilities while working that new job.